5 ways to calm down your loud Punjabi mother effortlessly

If you're the 'khasma nu khani' of your house and your brother is the 'khote da puttar' then congratulations ladies! You officially belong to the 'butter-chicken-is-life' club of India--the Punjabis. That's not it. There's  louder-than-Bose laughter; over-the-top, glittery, sparkly, flowery wedding outfits; and  endless questions about everything from your class 10th Board result to your wedding plans to the colour of your bra, maybe (pardon the exaggeration, it's my Punjabi genes at work here).

Entertainment and Punjabi households are a match made in heaven. Adding spice to it all is the Punjabi mother with her 'haye rabba', 'moya', 'marjania'. Haye rabba, you haven't eaten anything; haye rabba, wind is blowing; haye rabba you are breathing; haye rabba, you have two eyes--the list is never ending. The most spine-chilling attribute of these moms is their anger. May the force with you to face these ticking time-bombs of a mom. Despite all her flaws, you don't have the heart to see her like that. So here's what you can do to calm her down when she's hot under the collar.

1. Ice, Ice Baby!
Talking from personal experience, 'thand rakho' doesn't work in such situations. You can try to keep calm and bolo ta ra ra ra if you're too adventurous in life, but just be prepared to receive a flying chappal, or worse--a belan. If you want to stay safe, try offering her a glass of cold water, or better still, thandi lassi (cold buttermilk) to soothe her boiling blood. Obviously, you have to be patiently listening to her rant all along (Sorry, there is no escape route).

2. What a Parantha, Balle Balle!
Praise the food that she cooks for you-every goddamn dish from the super-buttery butter chicken to the paranthas with ghee floating on top. Remember, ghee and butter are just an expression of her love, so forget healthy eating for a while, indulge and most importantly-PRAISE. Every time you take a bite and your mouth is flooded with ghee, PRAISE. (You can secretly use a tissue to soak the extra oil, but at your own risk. Even Waheguru ji won't be able to save you from the melodrama that'll follow if you're caught.)

3. Diversion Tip #1: Social Networking

Time to cash in on her fondness for networking and undying interest in everyone's lives-- personal lives. If you've seen your mother giving some serious life lessons to her park waali friends, kitty members, the random shopkeepers, the milkman, your maid; you obviously know what I'm talking about. Teach her Facebook and Insta girls! Yes, it can be a pain initially (you'll have to deal with incessant cribbing about how Mark Zuckerberg is a complete failure since you can't really pinch and zoom Instagram pictures). But once she gets a hang of it, she'll be more interested in phalane dhimkaane ki beti's honeymoon pictures, and you, my friend are spared the horror of dealing with her outrage.

4. Diversion Tip #2: Chachi, Tai and Bua are the Real Vamps
Start saying something against your PATERNAL aunts--chachi, tai or bua. Even if you don't particularly have anything against them, make something up. Talk about their nick names, for instance-Pammi, Laado, Dolly, Silky, Milky, Honey, Egg, Soap. Soon they'll become the focal point of your mom's rage. Most probably, the session will come to a close with a calmer mother ending it all with 'chhado saanu ki'--much to your relief.

5. Lastly, Behave Yourself
Although, there's a high probability that you might not actually be doing something bad enough to cause those outbursts, but selflessness is still a thing. Hence, wake up before the birds and be her rani bitiya (pardon the exaggeration again, you know the reason by now). Make sure she knows you're consuming adequate amount of curd and milk. Nothing gives her more satisfaction than knowing that her dhi's (daughter) complexion is going to stay as white as a swan. If you want to take this selflessness to another level altogether, then make perfectly round chapattis for her. Her anger will melt away just like the dollop of butter she puts on your paranthas.