World's last male white northern rhino joins Tinder; I would much rather date him than human males

 

You know the most obvious step post a break-up these days? Download Tinder and look for potential matches. And because it's so obvious, I tried it out myself. Except, every time I swiped right, I figured that most guys had some vocabulary issues in life and confused a restaurant for a hotel room because that's where they wanted to take me on the very first date.

Also read: My online dating horror story might make you deactivate your Tinder account

But just as I was about to give up on Tinder, and well--men in general, something happened that reinstated my faith in the dating app and my chances at finding a suitable match. I came across a match suggestion that completely swept me off my feet.

'Sudan', his name said. Upon clicking on the profile, this is what I found out:

Sudan is the last living male northern white rhino. Please help him find a match. ?? https://t.co/m60MWuQxo5#MostEligibleBachelor pic.twitter.com/sWogfplaz8

- Tinder (@Tinder) April 26, 2017

Even though I figured that it was just a social media campaign carried out by Tinder in collaboration with conservation scientists to raise awareness and money to help save his species from extinction--I couldn't help but get absolutely smitten by Sudan, my hero.

Also read: I would much rather have tinda and lauki than date again

Here's why I'd much rather take chances with him than give my heart to a man again:

I've Already Fallen For His Good looks, Good Looks, And--Good Looks
Tall, dark, and handsome--that's all a girl asks for in a man (apart from a good character, of course). Sudan just fits the bill, don't you think? Plus, he's so different. And in my eyes, he's earned extra brownie points for that uber-sexy, long horn on his face too.

WATCH @BBCOne #IngeniousAnimals Great piece about #Sudan the last male northern white rhino https://t.co/LJVV1pcgPo pic.twitter.com/dKqPRR3BkN

- Helping Rhinos (@HelpingRhinos) September 8, 2016

Moreover, It Just Feels Right
If you're worried about how we'd communicate, then let me remind you that love has no language. Sudan's subtle grunts are more reassuring than a man looking into my eyes and saying those three most over and conveniently used words in the world.

 

In fact, I love how he just wanders all day and sleeps his day off without a care in the world. So, you see ours will be a relationship with no expectations, no burdens, no toxicity, no cheating, no lying, and hell lot of security.

The Best Part? It's Never Going to be Main, Mera Rhino, Aur Woh

I mentioned security above because Sudan seems more trustworthy than most men, who are ready to hump anything with an appropriate hole. So what if Sudan lives with two, and the only surviving, females of his species? At least he's told me the truth: he is doing them for the survival of his species--and he's not succeeding at that. How many men do you know who would be that honest?

Lack of Spark Will Never Be a Problem With Us
You know how most couples complain about the spark wearing off gradually from the relationship and boredom setting in? In my relationship with Sudan, that's never going to be a problem because I've chalked out the best romantic and everlasting date plans with him already. No temporary, materialistic candle-light dinners or movie dates for us--just regular mud baths and long walks in those African jungles will bring us closer to each other and closer to mother nature.

Don't judge! He loves mud and I am willing to make a few adjustments for a partner as loyal as him.

Also read: Every man is an a**hole in his own special way. And no, I am not a man hater 

I Am Sure He'll Turn Me Into a Better, Healthier Person
Sudan's favourite meal is African grass and that has multiple advantages for me. Firstly, no junk food and weight gain. Just clean eating and green, leafy veggies on lunch dates. Secondly he'll turn me into a vegetarian and that's a great cause, right?

In Fact, His Love Has Already Helped Me Grow
What's true love if it doesn't help you discover yourself and grow? Even without meeting me, Sudan has already helped me do that. I've realized how my love for animals and well, aversion to certain kind of men has reached an all-time high. So much so, that I don't mind turning into a rhino's cow in life!

Yes, from this point onwards, that's my only real ambition in life. In fact, as I type my last words, I am already setting out to hit the salon and get myself a customized grey tan because we must look like a great couple when we finally meet.